Diet-Determined

So i was thinking last night, how when i was 8 i not only understood what an alcholic was,i also knew what sucide meant and i don't just mean knowing the meaning but understanding meanings behind it. And i also understood what a parinoed schitzophrenic was... I mean people my age NOW still have no idea what one is ... they think its all about split personality but its not thats something else interly... i used to try to argue tell them they were wrong... they said i was wrong ... they all siad i was wrong ...so i just smiled and thought to myself 'think what you like, your not the one who spent your christmas day talking to your schitzophrenic dad in a mental hospital' it really is funny how people think thier right about stuff they know shit all about. BUt ohwell.
What brought this thoughts on was because dad took another funny turn... but he's taking his tablets again now, luckily he did it before it was too late, so its good cause he doesn't have to go back in farnomberoad mental hospital. And it just seems funny now in a way ... the conversation went like this :
sister ' dads gone mad again'
Me 'oh ok, dan ok ?'
Sister 'Yeah, i said he could sleep over if he wanted, but he says he's fine'
me 'cool'
... means so little now ... im rambiling i know lol i always do, but just letting stuff out... life's wierd i guess... its funny how none of my friends know the slighest thing about me, or what iv been through ... so strange ...

didn't do as good today, i ate as follows :

Breakfast - porridge
Lunch - 2 cups of tea
Dinner - A slice of pizza :S
Snack - low calerio no fat no sugar jelly (40 kcals)

Im disappionted as i ate so much it adds up to like 600 kcals So i probally gained wieght today =( :S Hope not

ALthough i did nearly faint again, i was drinking diet coke and walking along with my boyfriend when i stumbled backwards and was about to fall, i let go of the coke and was litrally gonna faint. I know its wrong but i like it! It makes me feel like i'v accoplished something =)

I'v been doing fantastic today I haven't even had a cup of tea ! Im proud XD I nearly fainted though, i was walking my dog and waiting at the train crossing and the train going past made me soo dizzy, and i fell against this post thing lol good job it was thier otherwise i might have actualy callopsed and that would have made a bit of scene :S Anyway tommorow is super-reduction oatmeal day. So i have a bowl of porridge for my breakfast a diet coke for lunch and a cup of tea for dinner Looking forward to the porridge as its nice and warm IM painting my bedroom tommorow so that will distract me from eating and give me lots of exercise Tone my arms up XD
Today i my boyfriend booked tickets to go see the final distination on friday He is such a sweetheart XD IM sooo excited to go see it, I love watching horror films at the cinema cause they make you jump 100 times more lol and its in 3D WOOPWOOP XD XD XD

Tommorow IM doing a vegan model diet.

It is as follows :

Breakfast = A slice of wholemeal bread

Lunch = One apple

Dinner = 1/2 a cup of carrots =)

Hoping im gonna stick to it I know its a harsh diet but im such a great big fat beast i need to lose wieght soo quickly cause i look disgusting to be honest so wish me luck XD

My aim tingles in my stomach it aches my soul it makes me want to scream it makes me want to cry. ALl i have to do is try. I want to be 6 stone for christmas i want to be beautifull and elegnant. Thin and perfect. Skinny and small. I want to see bones. I want to feel my ribs i want to be able to count them by looking. U want to get given size DOUBLE zero jeans for my presents, and size Zero tops that are baggy on me. I see my dream, feel it, taste it, it seems impossible. But its what i want and what i am going to try hard for. I will not stop trying !

Push me ... infront of the truck, over the cliff, into the fire, onto the train tracks.
Watch my body crush and smash burn and shred.
Hear my screams, my cries, my begs.
Smell my blood, my guts, my death.

Do with me what you please... but please please please can you forgive me ??

I don't want to be bad. And bad i think i am. Good girls get love. Love i do not deserve. I am Not a good girl. Lock away your love and show me pain. Torture me for my sins and then forgive me. I want to be a good girl. I want to start again. I don't want to hurt. I dont want to be afraid.

I am scared. I am so scared.

Well its a mystery why she died and its not wrote in the book. But as i was reading the last fifty odd pages the s'morning i had a brainwave ... what was the date her mother died ?? I remembered the chapter when they are playing 'best day worst day' and i was sure she mentioned the date of her BEST day then following with 'my worst day was the day after my best' and conintues to tell the death of her mother. So her best day was dated the 9th of january and her worst day obviosly the 10th. Then was the mystery to try to work out what the date alaska died was. Forty five days AFTER is febuary so i counted and it was possible for the death date to be 9th or 10th depending on when alska wanted to visit her mother, maybe she liked visiting on the BEST day memory rather then the actual death ?? Still not sure and wanting more evidence i remembered how he had christmas home, hoping it would say how many days BEFORE christmas was I flicked back to theese chapters... but it didn't but it did say how they went back to school ... now i can't be sure if they went back to school on news years day or on the 2nd maybe even if the third ... but it was 8 days before alaska's death. So considering thier is a huge possibilty that it lands either on the date of her mothers death or on the BEST DAY (day before mothers death) so yeah .... thats how i worked it out, and what i think is that she's drunk and happy, on the phone to jake (her boyfriend) talking about thier 8 month anniversy, she's doodling and suddenly remembers her mother, she freaks out. how could she forget ?? She's drunk and over-emotional and takes it too seriusly (like you do when you are drunk) she runs into the room where chip and miles are and starts saying she forgot something and telling them to stall the eagle (head master) so she can get out of campus. She grabs the white flowers in her room to give to her mum as its late and no shops will be open and then she leaves. Now also it says in the book 'she may have been going to see her dad. vine station is that way' vine station also being where her mother is burried. so lets say she was intending to go to vine station and visit her mother and give her the white flowers but then on the way she see's the cop car and her mind flashes to the note she wrote in the book 'the general in his labyrinth' (it was called something like that lol) she wrote 'the way out of the labyrinth is straight and fast' she puts her foot down aims straigh and drives straight into the cop car. Hoping it will end her suffering. Maybe wanting to be with her mother. Who knows exactly why she drove into that cop car, but i'd say that was the reasons behind it, im not sure what made her want to die though ... maybe just the drunkness and and the idea of straight idea seemed a good one in her state of drunkness (like all bad things do when you are drunk) ... so yes my opinion of why she killed herself =) If anyone else has read this book please comment and give your opinion or respond to mine =)

'saw cinderela in a party dress but she was looking for a nightgown
I saw the devil wrapping up his hands he's getting ready for the showdown I saw the ending when they turned the page, I threw my money and I ran away straight to the valley of the great divide where the dreams all hide and where the wind dont blow and here the good girls die and the sky wont snow'

Im in love with this song its so amzing =)

Confusion girl =) Great song

"Confusion girl never gives or takes
Tries to cover up all of her mistakes
Wanting to be someone else
anything but her self "

Well my sleep is demolished, no matter how hard i try i just can't fall asleep My mind is on over flow all i can think about is getting up and going for a run lol, i wish i wasn't soo scared of the dark cause then id just go now. so im left like a loner on facebook listening to bowling for soup waiting for an hour to go past so that its light enough for a run. I neeed to invest in an ipod, but the likes of getting the money for one is unlikely so i may get a portable cd player instead, i just get bored when running/biking sometimes and it all seems boring with no one to talk to or whatever just seems like trying to lose weight which it is and averything but i wnt it to be FUN ! ! anyway college starts in 3 weeks and i need to lose atleast 10 pounds by then... wish me luck ! XS xxxxx